assassinations or assessments of character?
I had a long conversation with a friend once.
I was about 18 and as we were both from one of those ’small towns where nothing ever happens but everybody listens’, for some reason, we often found that sitting in the middle of my street (i mean actually on the street) was as good a place as any to have a long conversation at 3 am. I don’t know why, but then I don’t know why we did half the things that we did when I was 18. There really wasn’t anyplace else to go.
He was the kind of friend who didn’t pull any punches. And neither did I. (I probably still don’t, for that matter) After several hours of him telling me (in the kindest possible of ways) exactly what he thought of me and what my place in the world should be I said “D, is there anything good about me?” (remember, this was a friend. just an honest friend. And I actually liked that about him. You never had to wonder where you stood.)
He thought for about half a minute and replied, “You care. . . You care about things, but you care too much.” And I couldn’t begin to even comprehend what he could possibly mean by that. How could it even be possible to care too much? Is there a “too much”? It bemused, perplexed and stayed with me for 15 years.
However recently, I began to understand, and I now accept his assessment of the character of my former self. Because I am completely aware that it could also describe my current self. I don’t think I’ve really changed that much.
I had a conversation with my husband not long ago. And somewhere in that conversation I remember him concluding that “Unfortunately, you’re a bad kind of combination. You’re a nonconformist who is sensitive to rejection.”
I understood and accepted that assessment of my character from the start. Some things can’t be denied when they’re as plain as the nose on your face. And again I think it all comes down to caring too much. And it has caused me a lot of grief over the years. If I could manage to be a ‘nonconformist who didn’t care’ then I could just get on with doing and saying things that confuse people in a parameter outside of the norms, and being different wouldn’t cause me any bother and I would be perfectly happy.
But I can’t. And I’m still not sure that I’d really want to. I don’t think I’d really want to stop caring. I’ve tried, completely unsuccessfully. Perhaps there’s just a way of doing it better? I don’t know.
Tags: character, friendship
June 11th, 2009 at 8:59 am
((burntsienna))
Thank you for your continued sharing with us. My prayers, and love. God bless.
June 11th, 2009 at 11:11 am
A “nonconformist who is sensitive to rejection”. What a lovely way of putting it! And that is something I can very much relate to.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
i like how he said that – very well put indeed. and yes, i believe this is something we’ve touched on in the past, too. about how people want you to “get over” something, when in fact, you *don’t* want to get over it because you *still* want to care. and it’s something i’ve thought about recently for me as well. there’s a delicate balance, but with that balance comes grief and hurt and isolation. sometimes it’s lonely. it is what it is. but in the end, i don’t think i’d have it any other way.
June 24th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
I’m totally stealing your title! Nonconformist sensitive to rejection. Yeah, that about sums it up. Although, I find (as may you) that I’m quite sensitive to negativity, but also to anyone who is too nice. I can’t handle nice. We didn’t grow up in Nice. We grew up THERE…where everything is always OK, not good not bad. Just OK. nature vs nurture or something like that, right?