Sorry
I am trying to teach my daughter about saying sorry. I wonder how it can be such a natural thing for a child to not want to say “i’m sorry”. and for that matter, I wonder at why so many adults have it in their nature to avoid it too.
I wonder at the reluctance, when my own inclination is to say it so often. I have been told, I say it much more than needed. I suppose I want to fix everything, and even though I know that I can’t, I want people to know that if I could, I would.
I’m probably going about it all wrong. Whatever I’m trying to do to teach this little girl about saying ’sorry’ will probably see her end up in therapy in 20 years time with a guilt complex.
What good is ’sorry’ anyway? It doesn’t change anything. Perhaps I’m just too cynical now? Why say it anyway? Habit, perhaps? It can’t fix anything or heal anybody or undo what has been done. So why bother?
I guess I just wish it could, so I keep hold of the importance of saying it. While all the time not believing it will do any good.
Sorry for me is a desperate attempt to undo the state of things. Sorry for her is simply the overwhelming and uncomfortable confrontation that the state of things is because of something she did. Is there any kind of healthy balance in between guilt and denial?
Tags: sorry
June 15th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
As I see it, apologising is acknowledging that a thoughtless or inconsiderate remark or deed is just that. It doesn’t undo the situation but it goes part way towards acknowledging that someone else has been hurt unnecessarily.
June 16th, 2009 at 4:05 am
What Kerensa wrote.
And my sympathy as someone who also says “Sorry” far too often [so I've been told].
June 16th, 2009 at 9:44 am
I’m with kerensa.
One of the interesting things living in non-English speaking countries was trying to find how to say “sorry” in the local languages.
Firstly that shows how important it was to me to be able to say that word – I didn’t feel I could get by without it.
Secondly I learnt pretty quick that I (and perhaps most English speakers?) say it (or, rather, its equivalent) much more than others would.
Thirdly, the other languages I know simply don’t have an exact replacement – all the equivalents actually mean something specific and slightly different. In French I learnt to say “je suis desole” – which should roughly translate as I’m desolate – I am sad about what has happened / what I’ve just done. In Spanish and Catalan the equivalent is “I feel it”, and I think the German is the same (I learnt the phrase Es tut mir leid, but not it’s word-by-word meaning. I’m sure Kerensa can enlighten us here!) All those seem to confirm Kerensa’s view of what the word “sorry” is trying to say. It’s a straightforward expression of sympathy, and that’s no bad thing in my mind.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:54 am
I know.
I suppose it’s just my cynical pessimism that tells me that in the end it doesn’t do any good, and because I wish it could makes me feel low and whistful. I guess I’ve also known people to get annoyed at me for saying ’sorry’ too much, so once again, I worry if I’m doing something wrong and end up saying ’sorry’ again! I often have wondered about the ligustics of it as well. How can we say ’sorry’ for something that has been completely out of our control (e.g. saying ’sorry’ to someone else’s bad news – ‘I’m sorry to hear that’)? I wonder if that is a particularly English speaking thing. However, in a way, je suis desole seems to fit much better in that context. It’s a way of spaking about regret, but as I said above, regret often leads to guilt, which often leads to stagnance.
June 17th, 2009 at 9:56 am
I think we can divorce “sorry” from “guilt” if we accept that “sorry” is merely a statement of regret that things are how they are. Thus I can be sorry that it’s not sunny today, so my daughter’s planned trip to the beach this afternoon probably will not happen. I do not feel guilty about that, I just wish it weren’t so, and I feel my daughter’s pain. Equally, I am sorry about shouting at my son when he misbehaved, in that, again, I wish it hadn’t happened. I do happen to feel guilty about that, but that guilt is independent of the sorrow. In another situation I may feel sorry about reprimanding him for a misdemeanour but I don’t feel guilty because I know that reprimands are (sometimes) necessary. I suppose in that situation I’m actually expressing sorrow for the misdemeanour, which is certainly beyond my control.
So I’d say “sorry” is simply a statement of how you feel. And that, I think, is one explanation of why, occasionally, people will complain about us saying sorry too much. It is because they feel we are wearing out hearts on our sleeves and advertising our feelings too much. If that is a crime at all, then it is a pretty minor one, surely! On the other hand, people will more often respond to an expression of sorrow by wilfully misinterpreting it as a statement of guilt and mocking that. For example, if I say I’m sorry about the weather, then I will be told off because it’s not my fault and I can’t change it. That response is, as I say, based on a wilful misunderstanding of what I’ve said, a wilful interpretation of a reasonable statement as saying something absurd. Such a response deserves a slap.
Here endeth the lesson.
June 17th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Amen.
June 17th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Sorry, I realise that last comment could have been misinterpreted. I didn’t mean ‘Amen. Good, the lesson’s ended’; I meant ‘Amen, I agree with the lesson, thank you.’