don’t it always seem to go. . .
I never thought that I would do that. I never thought that I would stop appriciating what I had. But perhaps one only knows exactly what they have when it begins to fade.
I know now that I never fully appriciated my first family until it began to die, disappear and break apart.
Then, I chose a new family. A new family, not of blood, and not of marriage, and not of relation. It was bigger than any of those. Family was suddenly wider and all emcompassing. Bigger than a surname, than even a way of life. It was extended family in the truest sense. How could I have found a new family so large without those natural ties? I took for granted that it could stay the same forever, and I would never lose that again.
I know now that I never fully appriciated them.
My first family used to gather, and tomorrow would have been one of those significant dates to gather. Gathering was a way to reaffirm that family is family, blood is thicker than water, that despite the rest of the year, at least we still gather on this day and ‘do this’, because we are family and this is what we do and this is who we are, whether we like it or not. It wasn’t always pleasant (because family isn’t easy), but it was affirming.
My second, chosenfamily, as well, used to gather. Again, it wasn’t always pleasant, but to me, it was reaffirming, a way to define ‘this is who we are’ and who I am. I knew who I was in the midst of them. But now the whole looks a lot smaller to me, a bit more fragmented.
And rationally, I know that’s ok, and I know that moving on is a normal and grown up thing to do. But emotionally I fear the segmentation. The move from defining that ‘we are we’ to ‘I am me’ looks scary from this angle, because suddenly there are fewer landmarks, fewer guideposts. And I continue to try to find a cord to tie the parcel back together again. Whether it’s the right thing to do, or not.
It may be the grown up thing to do, but for this disabled woman, who has spent so many years leaning on the crutch of her new family, going out into the big wide world looks a bit scary and I simply want to have some chicken soup and go back to bed where it’s safe.
Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone?
But, again, rationally, I know that the best families help their children to stand on their own two feet. To leave their father and mother and do their own thing instead.
Thing is, when I left my father and mother, the thing I chose to do. . . was to form a new family.
So now what do I do?
Tags: family, friendship